Like any person I have had experiences that have shaped my life and made me the person I am today. One of those crucial experiences is my experience with cancer as a child. I believe my experience with cancer and what it has taught me has truly changed my life. Cancer or more specifically my experience with Camp Reach for the Sky gave me the strength to be my own person and try new things.
The day I learned what cancer was, I was eleven years old. That day was not the date of my diagnosis. In fact, I had been diagnosed with dermato fibro sarcoma protuberans three years before. As an eight year old in the hospital, cancer meant tests and surgeries and never sleeping at night. Cancer was having your entire second grade class making you get-well cards and your best friend losing them before they got to you. Cancer was eating bad hospital food, including but not limited to my favorite bean burrito Fridays, but getting all the delicious hospital pudding you wanted even at midnight.
But it was not until a hot August day in the mountains of Julian surrounded by fellow cancer patients as we awaited our cabin assignments at CR4TS that I was able to fully accept my experience with cancer and learn what cancer was to me. As a newcomer to it all I sat on the sidelines; I was overcome with emotion at the attitudes and actions of those that surrounded me. There was the frail-looking bald girl helping her friend on crutches up the steps and some young boys starting to play a game by splitting up the teams in liquid versus sold tumors. As the week progressed I fed on the energy of my fellow patients and grew because of it. I nervously performed a silly dance at the talent show with all my cabin mates; and we all got dates to the dance, something I had never experienced before.
I learned something about myself I had never fully acknowledged. My cancer, without me even knowing it, had held me back. My self-consciousness over my eight inch long, five inch wide scar had kept me withdrawn, yet in seeing girls with prosthetic legs dancing along side me that one night on stage, I realized I was not alone and I realized that I was lucky . Lucky to be alive, a chubby girl with both legs dancing my heart out to the wrong moves of “Survivor” by Destiny’s Child. In this way I learned that cancer wasn’t about feeling sorry for myself or being the “sick” kid. I came to understand that being sick wasn’t something meant to hold me back, but something to urge me forward. By surviving my battle it was like a pact I made with life- it meant I had to jump into the dirty lake, I must play football with the boys, I needed to attempt the climbing wall, I couldn’t refuse an opportunity or challenge- all because I could and I can and because I would no longer hold myself back.
It is an odd thing to say that cancer defines me- yet it is perfect. Before being diagnosed, I was shy, unassured, introverted, and too afraid to do anything by myself. But I came to the agreement with myself that it had been long enough. CR4TS has given me the confidence to do things I would never have dreamed of before. And now I am the one who teaches my campers a dance, sings crazy songs, or who just listens to them. I strive to be the example I once looked up to in admiration because camp has meant so much to me. Before camp and before finding out who I was and who I could truly become- I never would have had the nerve to be so ridiculous and not care. Camp Reach for the Sky gave me confidence I had never known before. Without being having gone to camp, I would not be the young woman I am today for better or worse. Though in my personal opinion- definitely better.
The day I learned what cancer was, I was eleven years old. That day was not the date of my diagnosis. In fact, I had been diagnosed with dermato fibro sarcoma protuberans three years before. As an eight year old in the hospital, cancer meant tests and surgeries and never sleeping at night. Cancer was having your entire second grade class making you get-well cards and your best friend losing them before they got to you. Cancer was eating bad hospital food, including but not limited to my favorite bean burrito Fridays, but getting all the delicious hospital pudding you wanted even at midnight.
But it was not until a hot August day in the mountains of Julian surrounded by fellow cancer patients as we awaited our cabin assignments at CR4TS that I was able to fully accept my experience with cancer and learn what cancer was to me. As a newcomer to it all I sat on the sidelines; I was overcome with emotion at the attitudes and actions of those that surrounded me. There was the frail-looking bald girl helping her friend on crutches up the steps and some young boys starting to play a game by splitting up the teams in liquid versus sold tumors. As the week progressed I fed on the energy of my fellow patients and grew because of it. I nervously performed a silly dance at the talent show with all my cabin mates; and we all got dates to the dance, something I had never experienced before.
I learned something about myself I had never fully acknowledged. My cancer, without me even knowing it, had held me back. My self-consciousness over my eight inch long, five inch wide scar had kept me withdrawn, yet in seeing girls with prosthetic legs dancing along side me that one night on stage, I realized I was not alone and I realized that I was lucky . Lucky to be alive, a chubby girl with both legs dancing my heart out to the wrong moves of “Survivor” by Destiny’s Child. In this way I learned that cancer wasn’t about feeling sorry for myself or being the “sick” kid. I came to understand that being sick wasn’t something meant to hold me back, but something to urge me forward. By surviving my battle it was like a pact I made with life- it meant I had to jump into the dirty lake, I must play football with the boys, I needed to attempt the climbing wall, I couldn’t refuse an opportunity or challenge- all because I could and I can and because I would no longer hold myself back.
It is an odd thing to say that cancer defines me- yet it is perfect. Before being diagnosed, I was shy, unassured, introverted, and too afraid to do anything by myself. But I came to the agreement with myself that it had been long enough. CR4TS has given me the confidence to do things I would never have dreamed of before. And now I am the one who teaches my campers a dance, sings crazy songs, or who just listens to them. I strive to be the example I once looked up to in admiration because camp has meant so much to me. Before camp and before finding out who I was and who I could truly become- I never would have had the nerve to be so ridiculous and not care. Camp Reach for the Sky gave me confidence I had never known before. Without being having gone to camp, I would not be the young woman I am today for better or worse. Though in my personal opinion- definitely better.
This is such an amazing article Vicks! You are going to be the most fabulous full-blown counselor CR4TS has ever seen!!!! Can't wait to see what this year has in store. Love this post and YOU!
ReplyDeleteBeautifully said! I started reading this when you first posted it but wasn't able to finish and I finally, just now, sat down and read your post. I love how you said that your cancer defines you, in a good way and it's so true for me too. Without it, when I was a kid and now, I wouldn't be who I am today and I wouldn't have camp. I give your entry two thumbs up!
ReplyDelete