Tis the Season

Tis the season for celebrating and carols, hot chocolate and ugly sweaters, traditions and loved ones. Tis the season for missing our loved ones and stressing over finances, standing in long lines and trying to do things perfectly. Tis the Season!

While the end of November through the New Years tends to be a favorite time of the year for many people, especially our kiddos, the truth is that this time of the year can also be thee most difficult. During this time, I don’t find many “neutral” people. It seems as though people either absolutely love this time of the year or they are dreadful for this time to come.

If you are one of the people who love this time of the year, I can bet you love getting your favorite hot cocoas and apple cider. You probably plan which Christmas lights you are going to go see. Maybe you can’t wait to play Dreidel with your loved ones or break bread with your community on the first day of Kwanzaa. My point is, if this is your favorite time of the year, then you have already mapped out what December looks like. For others though, these are the exact same reasons this time of the year becomes so challenging.

For some of us the holiday season reminds us when our loved ones have passed, puts our family strains under a microscope and magnifies the broken pieces we typically try to keep swept under the rug. So how do we manage when this season becomes thee most difficult for us?

Here are a few friendly tips on how to manage different types of stresses during the holidays. 

First take a moment to acknowledge where the stress is coming from. Is it financial? Missing a loved one? Unrealistic expectations? See if you can identify where the stress is coming from so you can then properly address how to manage it. 

Time Demands: Don't be afraid to say no! We might feel the pressure to attend every holiday gathering but the truth is that we are not obligated to attend. We have to learn what is realistic and we have to honor our own sanity. There are times we have to go to a gathering that we aren't too particularly fond of, but that is different from over-committing ourselves. 

Be Honest: Part of understanding boundaries, saying no and managing time demands is to be honest. Be honest with yourself as well as those around you. If you need to stay in and skip the ugly Christmas sweater party, then stay home and honor those limits. If you aren't in a place to afford gifting everyone then don't break yourself trying to make it happen. If you are needing something from someone, like support, understanding, or help work on using your voice. 

Financial Stress: This is a big one! I see so many friends working overtime to afford that "perfect" gift or they think they have to spend a certain dollar amount as though the price tag somehow translates to amount of love. It's ok to not afford extravagant things and trust me when it comes to the kiddos, they'll adjust! I have told my children I will not purchase ANY video games for them and I tell them that I would much rather do things with them then buy things for them and they GET IT! They're also savvy when they want something. They ask everyone for gift cards to the same store so they can put their resources together and buy what they want. They also learn how to work together in the process. So don't worry about that part. We have actually done this for Disneyland trips, game consoles, actual games and much more! Trust me, loved ones will remember your presence much more than your presents!

Unrealistic Expectations: This ties closely into what I have already mentioned. Be honest about what is doable and not doable. Buying everyone $100 gifts may not be realistic, so don't break yourself trying to do so. If you are over booked, then unbook (if that's even a word) yourself a little bit. If you need to host a holiday this year but need help, ask for help. If you can't do something then stop saying yes! I know I may make this sound overly simplified. I don't address the "BUT" that comes after setting a boundary (that's another blog all by itself) but it is necessary for your mental health and well being.  

Missing a Loved one: This one is probably thee toughest one because it's out of your control. Time demands, finances and setting boundaries are something we can work towards and become better at but we can't bring loved ones back, so how do we celebrate knowing they can't be there? This one is also the most personal one because everyone mourns and celebrates differently. First, don't be too hard on yourself for having feelings even if the passing was 60 years ago. Next, find ways to honor your loved one, maybe with their favorite holiday goodies, a Christmas ornament, light a candle for them or watch their favorite movie. Also, if feelings come up, let them. Feelings don't last forever and typically when we try to suppress them we end up expressing them in other ways that may not be so helpful. 

The important part is to honor where you are at while honoring those who are present. If there are new traditions you want to create, go for it! If there are other traditions you want to hold onto, then hold onto those. It's also important to be mindful that not everyone grieves the same way and may feel differently about how to honor your loved one that has passed. If it was someone in the immediate household, it might mean that the family makes household decisions together. 

And remember, don't be too hard on yourself. The holidays and grief are tough on their own so it only makes sense that it will be tough when you put these two things together. Be gentle, take time for yourself and honor your feelings. It's tough but remember that no emotions are permanent. 

Unable to see family: Although nothing can replace physically being with family, the great news is that you are currently living in a digital world! This means you don't have to rely on snail mail to communicate during the holidays. You have Facetime, Instagram, Twitter, SnapChat, Facebook or even Skype to join loved ones virtually. Plan something nice for yourself, go somewhere fun even if its just the movie theater. All we can do is our best and sometimes it falls short of our hopes and dreams but the truth is we don't have control over much in our life outside of our attitude. So all we can do is make the best of it and hope that maybe next year it will be different.